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Maria Popova, the brain behind Brain Pickings, comments, “Russell’s most compelling point is the most counterintuitive — the idea that reclaiming leisure is not a reinforcement of elitism but the antidote to elitism itself and a form of resistance to oppression, for it would require dismantling the power structures of modern society and undoing the spell they have cast on us to keep the poor poor and the rich rich. To correctly calibrate modern life around a sense of enough — that is, around meeting the need for comfort rather than satisfying the endless want for consumerist acquisitiveness — would be to lay the groundwork for social justice. In such a society, Russell argues, no one would have to work more than four hours out of twenty-four — a proposition even more countercultural today than it was in his era.” (Bolding of words is my own)

Do some of these concepts sound familiar?

Hello FIRE. Nice to meet you again, clothed in such a different outfit!

Reclaiming Leisure Time

There’s another reason that now was the time I started thinking more about my leisure time.

When I was in the middle of it, I didn’t quite understand what was happening.

I was starting to feel restless and dissatisfied, although nothing was really objectively wrong. (Well, equitable/reasonable division of emotional labour is an ongoing topic of discussion, but one that I am feeling hopeful about because Mr. Sparks does hear me when I bring up my concerns. That topic could be a whole other post, though).

I knew I was feeling relief as Mr. Spark’s elective time was coming up.

And that was concerning.

Was I already unhappy in our marriage, not even one year in?? Was there something terribly wrong that I couldn’t put my finger on?

Over the first few days of his absence, I tried to sort out these feelings.

And it was confusing!

From the moment I dropped him off at the airport, I missed him. (“Okay, that’s a good sign,” I told myself).

Simultaneously, part of me was like, “Yessssss! Freedom!” (“WTF, that’s a bad sign!” I would freak out to myself).

Thank goodness for good friends. Being able to talk out loud to another human being about this confusing mish-mash actually helped clear up where one of the issues was.

Alone time.

Backpedal a bit. I’m an introvert by nature. A sociable introvert – I love hanging out with people, both close friends and more casual friends, love being out and about in the city – but I ultimately recharge at home. Alone.

But, there’s been a lack of alone-ness in the home. And this was starting to wear me down.

I talk about sleep hygiene tons with patients, and practice what I preach. The bedroom is virtually unoccupied until it’s sleep time. The other areas of the apartment are relatively contiguous. Where I hang out, Mr. Sparks is just at the periphery of vision at all times, due to the positioning of his desk in the living room relative to the couch.

A couple years ago, earlier in our officially living-together phase, I was pretty good at ignoring him from my space on the couch. But I recall him making a comment one night about how I seemed busy all the time, and the subtext I read from that was, “I’m a bit hurt, could you pay a bit more attention to me?”

Whether this was an accurate reading of the subtext or not is uncertain, but that was the message I took away. And ever since then, I’ve always had one antenna pointed towards Mr. Sparks from my place at the couch.

At all times.

I don’t think this was consciously done, on reflection. But that is what happened.

And now, whenever we are both at home, a part of me is constantly paying attention to his cues. Does he look upset at something that happened in the game? Should I go over and engage a bit, so he knows I’m not ignoring him? Oh, he’s working on an email, I won’t go over at this time; will check back in a few minutes. What is he doing now? Does he look okay? Does he look happy?

And this habit of mine was encroaching on my feeling of alone-ness, of having space (physical and mental) purely to myself, decreasing the quality of my leisure time, and thus, encroaching on my ability to recharge.

This was the reason I had felt relief and a sense of freedom when he left for electives, even though I missed him and continue to miss him from day 1.

(Again, Mr. Sparks has never explicitly stated he wanted me to keep track of his emotional state at all times. This was something I started doing, and though rooted in good intentions, has gotten out of hand >.< Time to rein this in).

So, What Did Dr. FIREfly do?

Well, I started with contemplating my own leisure time (the solitary variety). What do I already do?

Write – generally only for this blog, but I have also written one other piece this past academic year that I’m quite proud of, and it was not for this blog.

Read – mostly non-fiction these days, of the business, self-improvement, and social justice genres. Every so often, I do toss in an adventurously escapist fantasy novel or fluffy feel-good chick-lit novel.

Learn – from books, and also from podcasts. Try to balance being critical and also not being too closed to new ideas.

TV – this has decreased a lot since my early years in undergrad, but I do still follow one TV show, and will occasionally watch some other series and movies with Mr. Sparks.

When I looked at all of this, the trend I noticed was this:

Sedentary.

D:

So, I have taken up drop-in dance classes at that same studio the other resident recommended. And things feel more balanced now.