It has been a while since the last post. And things have changed so much.
Rollercoasters and Gratitude
Life really does not give out certainties. 2025 continued to be a doozy of a year into the fall.
A mere month after my colleague tragically passed away from a vehicle-bicycle collision, Mr. Sparks also was hit by a vehicle on his bike ride to work. Terrifying, heart-stopping – words cannot encompass the bottomless fear that engulfed on hearing the news. Even though he was one calling me to tell me the news.
The depths of gratitude I had for the universe that he was able to both limp his way into the ER as well as out of the ER is beyond voicing.
It was frightening as all get out.
And I am so deeply grateful to be able to be with my husband still.
There’s an old Chinese saying, 大难不死，必有后福. If one survives disaster, good fortune will follow.
Mr. Sparks commented dryly for a while, “Where’s the good fortune that was supposed to follow?” To which I informed him his current health status was already plenty lucky, given the circumstances.
But we also were blessed with some more good fortune.
(It started with two positive – but expired, lol – pregnancy tests followed by a run to the pharmacy for two different tests.)
At the end of this month, we are due to welcome a little Sparklefly into the world.
Life Changes
At the end of November, Mr. Sparks and I found out we were expecting. Terrified and hopeful, we gnawed on our fingernails through the first few weeks, holding our breath week by week until we had at least surpassed the amount of weeks we had gotten to the first time…before we lost that pregnancy. Low grade fear was a constant companion that slowly decreased, not fully fading, even as we entered second trimester.
Now, at 37 weeks, while facing some minor issues, we are mostly nervous with excitement about meeting little Ms. Sparklefly soon. Hoping to be good (enough) parents. Hoping she will find a good path through this world, through her life.
Retirement vs. Parental Leave
Rerunning the numbers yet again – even inflated as they are with the flurry of baby purchases (I have tried my best to do a mix of second hand and new items, with probably only mild success at resisting Big Baby’s messaging), Mr. Sparks and I are firmly in the safe zone (even with Mr. Spark’s comically exasperating and half-joking insistence on a 2% safe withdrawal rate).
He joked that I should throw a retirement party. (Definitely still too shy to do that. Feels a bit strange as the 3rd newest addition to and 2nd youngest member of the division.)
But I am delighted to be facing parenthood with the freedom of FI in my back pocket. Some people who I am close with know Mr. Sparks and I have reached FI, and I have also shared with trainees I work more closely with in the hopes of inspiring the next generation of physicians to deploy their dollars strategically and nurture their money tree early.
Gender and Sex Differences in Parenting and FI
With impending parenthood, I have found myself reflecting further on gender and sex disparities in the home and in parenting.
As someone self-avowed as petty, I knew from the get go that if things did not feel equitable in the home, I would not be able to last in a relationship.
When Mr. Sparks and I first moved in together in PGY1, I was only able to identify cooking, cleaning, and laundry as household tasks to divvy up. But the cognitive load for the vast majority of household tasks? That was more so me. Didn’t have the words for it then.
In October 2025, a writing group friend told me about Fair Play, a system that helps make visible the otherwise invisible tasks that go into running a household smoothly. I promptly bought the cards and played through with Mr. Sparks. It was interesting to see that I held more than double the cards he did at the time, even discounting the cards that he would otherwise not choose to hold in his hand were he single. He was quite on board with a mild redistribution. I was happy to let go of a few cards and still hang onto the majority – equitable doesn’t necessarily mean equal. The arrangement felt fine.
As parenthood loomed, I reflected on the parenting practices I saw in the cis-gendered, heterosexual couples around me, the vague media impressions, and my own lived experience (albeit with somewhat hazy memories from the childhood era). I found podcasts and audiobooks, trying to learn from the experience of those who had walked this path just a few years ahead of me, or whose research foci were in this field. (Highly recommend the Be a Happier Parent podcast. As a woman married to a man who often feels a bit mystified by the male psyche, I deeply appreciate hearing a man’s perspective on parenting alongside a wife and also quite enjoy hearing the host chatting with other men about it.)
It was time to look at the Fair Play cards again.
As new cards were going to be added to the deck, I knew I was definitely going to feel petty (or righteously indignant?) about holding too many cards.
Best investment of a lifetime?
Marrying the right person.
Mr. Sparks was on board to look again at redistribution. We talked briefly about what future redistribution might look like as Ms. Sparklefly grows older and things continue change.
~ ~ ~
A second point of interest that has come up alongside parenting-related gender norms is paid work-related gender norms.
Mr. Sparks and I have had some deeply interesting discussions recently in light of our very comfortable FI/RE numbers.
One is a hesitancy to trust in the underlying assumptions regarding market and returns – fair enough, though I pointed out the significant margins that we have built into our plan.
This is not a LeanFIRE plan.
There are some familial influences that have shaped Mr. Sparks and my money stories to be different (no where was this more initially apparent than when we were in PGY1, making the same salary, splitting the household costs evenly, and he felt poor whereas I felt fine).
But even outside of that, there is also a gender norm that Mr. Sparks is bumping up against when contemplating FIRE-ing. The societal script of the man in a heterosexual relationship being the provider (in the classic sense of income). The fear that letting go of some or all of this might jeopardize our family’s wellbeing and that it was on him to ensure me and little Sparklefly were provided for. This despite him acknowledging that our numbers do look fairly solid, even to his more cautious eyes.
Then there are also parental expectations (as in his parents) to bump up against, also tied in with gender norms. The expectation to be the man of the household – which entails being the breadwinner.
Even though, in many senses, the bread has already “been won.”
Where I’m at these days is trying to remind myself that the work guilt-related self (and others) conversation took me years to work through. This conversation about internalized gender norms and parental expectations is going to be something that Mr. Sparks will need to work through. I can certainly be present to help be a sounding board, source of optimism, and – let’s face it – probably still a slightly nudging force despite my best intentions to sit back a bit more.
However, overall, these are good problems to have and to tackle.
Reflections
Bottom line – feeling very grateful to the combination of very fortuitous circumstances and some work on my part that have led things to their current state.
No one knows what the future will bring, but right now, things are in a good spot.
Hoping the universe is kind to you as well, dear reader.
Until next time,
Dr. FIREfly
