Who has reached out to someone hoping for an empathetic ear, some non-judgmental wisdom, and a feeling of connection during a period of heightened stress (or distress)?
Who has then had the experience of things going sideways…very sideways?
Yep, very universal experience. And also, that was me recently. (Last weekend, as a matter of fact). This post was borne out of the flood of emotions that came after an interaction with a loved one.
To go into a more general framework, here is how things might go.
You call someone to catch up. The conversation progresses, and they ask about something you were struggling with recently. You start telling them about how this something – project, relationship, work, etc. – is going. You expose your emotions to this trusted person. You share the difficult feelings, which might include things like anger (or frustration, indignation, etc.), maybe fear (or anxiety, worry, etc.), maybe sadness (or grief, loss, etc.). You say your piece, and as they make supportive listening sounds, you keep sorting out your thoughts out loud and you start to feel better as the big picture comes into view. Things aren’t actually so dismal. There is hope.
And then they start questioning your emotions. They start saying – in gentler words, this is the subtext nonetheless – that your emotions are not reasonable in the context of the story you’re relaying. That you should do this or that instead of what you’re doing. That you should be feeling this or that instead of what you’re feeling.
Now, you find yourself getting angrier and angrier. Or more and more anxious. Or more and more shut down. You start thinking, “Who is this person to say that? And here I thought I could trust them.”
If it’s someone you don’t know very well and you stay with it enough, you politely thank them for listening and for their advice and hang up. If things really hit the fan, you lose it (e.g. outward rage, panic attack, dissociate – so many possibilities). Or maybe it comes out somewhere in the middle, like letting them know exactly how you felt in response to what they said, +/- give suggestions on how they can be helpful and not hurtful at the same time.
There are a million ways a conversation like this can go. For me, it was with a parent, and it went the last way.
I find it so interesting that folks might not know how to be a helpful listener. This seems like a common-sense interpersonal skill. But one of the people that I respect most in the world apparently did not think of it with a loved one. (And I know I’m loved and truly lucky in the security of that bone-deep knowing. But that does not preclude feeling extraordinarily angry when I bare my emotions and my emotions are invalidated).
At the end of this conversation, I outlined for my parent what was helpful, what would have been helpful, and where it went wrong.
And my parent went, “I didn’t think to do that. I consider that polite stuff, so…” *telephone shrug*
Well, I respectfully and firmly disagree. I think that’s thoughtful stuff.
So here goes a brief snippet at explaining thoughtful stuff.
Eight Steps to Being A Helpful Ear
- Listen. Especially at the beginning. If you interrupt, interrupt to ask clarifying questions
- Questions. It’s good to ask questions to clarify more around the situation, if something is unclear to you. It is better to ask a clarifying question than to make an assumption that might be in error. And, sometimes, asking clarifying questions can really help the person sort out what it is they are struggling with, and come up with their own solutions. These questions are gold. Questioning the validity of the person’s story or the validity of their feelings is not as helpful.
Example: “What did you mean when you said ____? Can you explain a little more?
Acknowledge the other person’s feelings – whether or not you agree with them. Acknowledging the feelings will help the person feel heard. This helps settle down emotional intensity. Not to say that the emotional intensity would go to zero, but if there’s a torrential downpour, it can settle to a gentle drizzle with repeated acknowledgement. Acknowledging someone’s emotions does not mean you agree with them, it just means that you see their feelings.
Example: “You’re really grieving this loss.”
(It might sound like stating the obvious, but this can actually be quite helpful)Suggest, not impose. Likely, you have your own thoughts by some point in the story. You may disagree with this person’s interpretation of events or views. It is less helpful to baldly state, “I think you’re wrong, and this is why. And you’re overreacting.” This may fan the flames higher, even if you’re trying to help by pointing out an alternate viewpoint. Non-judgmental ways to suggest alternate viewpoints can start out like this:
– “I wonder if…”
– “What are your thoughts on…”
– “What do you think of…”
– “Could they have meant…”
When asked in a genuinely curious manner, these sorts of questions are extremely unlikely to offend or further intensify negativity.Ask for permission to offer your take on things. After permission is given, say your bit, and then…
Ask for feedback. “What do you think [about what I just said]?” I would suggest not continuing to expand upon your position before asking for some preliminary feedback in order to assess what the other person’s state of receptiveness is.
Repeat 5 and 6 again and again in order to further expand upon your thoughts. Presumably, you want to be of help to this person who has just exposed their vulnerable emotional inside. They turned to you for a reason, and you have wisdom to offer. But do offer it in a respectful, considerate way.
- Repeat 2, 3, and 4 as needed. Repeat doses of clarifying questions, acknowledgement of emotion, and suggestions are helpful whenever you feel something is not clear, someone’s emotions are rising, or you feel there is another take on matters that could be helpful for this person to think about.
Possible Objections
“I should be honest.”
Absolutely, honesty is key. Nowhere in steps 1 through 8 is dishonesty part of the picture. The goal is to be able to share your genuine opinion in such a way that the person you’re trying to help can fully hear you. When emotions are high, it’s really hard to hear others.
“It feels like beating around the bush.” (Or “polite stuff”, as per the example from my life.)
I think everyone can appreciate thoughtfulness. Even your nearest and dearest, whom you might feel freer to be unfiltered with. Sometimes, especially your nearest and dearest. Just because they’re your child/partner/parent/best friend doesn’t mean they deserve to be whammed with a boulder of bluntness (or even worse, nastiness).
“This is too complicated.”
Ah, that’s my bad. The above steps are the most succinct ways I could think to communicate this idea…but I’m not a very succinct person >.< Could have made this more complicated than necessary. If it seems too complicated, then you could consider framing the communication in terms of the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
~~~
Listen. Clarify. Acknowledge. Suggest. Seek permission. Offer thoughts. Seek feedback. Rinse and repeat.
My hope is for this to be a little starting-point template that can be molded and adapted to suit individual circumstances. Would love to hear your thoughts on this approach for providing a helpful ear!
-Dr. FIREfly
Hi Dr. FIREfly. Just discovered your blog. Both enjoyable and informative. We have complementary missions.
This post, I think, is beneficial to both our personal and professional lives. It may not be common sense to people who are both quick thinkers and “problem-solvers”. They can observe, analyze, judge, plan, implement, and re-evaluate very quickly. Part of that speed is often due to having a pre-existing mental-framework. That is why I like the framework that you have provided. People can use that.
They do need to consciously pause and shift frameworks when appropriate. For example, I am an intensivist. My ability to rapidly move through problem-solving and action is critical to a resuscitation. However, it would be disastrous for building a therapeutic relationship with a patient’s loved ones. We do need to discuss and convey information, often in a compressed timeframe. However, effective communication requires that you deliver your messages to a place where the recipient can hear them. Knowing that place requires you to listen first and sensitively adjust. I need to quickly shift gears and speed for that and your framework is a nice model.
This isn’t just feel-good theory. Time spent talking by families (ie us listening first and not talking as much) very early in the relationship (first 24 hours of ICU stay) is associated with higher satisfaction, better grieving, and less PTSD for the family. Probably translates to more satisfaction and less PTSD for our own families too 😉
Keep the posts coming.
-LD
Hi Loonie Doctor,
Thanks for your thoughtful comment! What you said about quick thinker and “problem solver” really makes sense and is exactly what happened, I think, in my particular encounter. Your example drawn from work is a great illustration of this in a medical setting.
Thank you also for the encouragement 🙂 Side note: I’m an avid reader of your site. Really appreciate you generously sharing your wealth of information with the rest of us!