If you are partnered, FIRE is a two-player game. If you’re like me, sometimes two-player games can cause…friction.
Do you ever find you get super enthusiastic about things? You learn something new, something cool, and you just want to shout it from the rafters and share it with the world?
And then your significant other looks at you like they don’t know whether to call 911 for concerning, unusual behaviour?
Yeah…that was me. The day I found FIRE. And started blazing through Mr. Money Mustache’s blog. Mr. Sparks came home, and I’m pretty sure he thought I had some kind of major medical condition going on that’s causing behavioural and cognitive disturbances.
That was almost 2 years ago now.
I’m happy to report that, 2 years later, Mr. Sparks is 90% on the FI(RE) bandwagon. We have great conversations about money. I still ask him uncomfortable questions like, “What would you do if you did retire though?” and “What would be the point of having more money? Why do you want a yacht to hold parties on – you don’t even like people all that much!” (The last one there is – mostly – facetious. He has a couple pretty spendy staff physicians as preceptors). We are both investing in our TFSAs and having discussions together about potential for investing in real estate. He gently keeps me accountable when I look longingly at yet another summer dress in the windowsill that I definitely don’t need.
I was recently at a dinner with friends, and one of the couples were having tiny, open skirmishes about finances. I was talking about some of the things I blog about, and reframing some of the concepts.
Me: “Yeah, think of buying ETFs as going shopping for more money. So instead of buying clothing, I’m buying more money for the future.”
Her: “Oh yeah, that makes sense!”
Him: “I told you this before. None of this is new! How come you listen when [Dr. FIREfly]’s talking?”
Me:
How to Get Your S.O. On Board
Like negotiating every important difference of opinion, this starts with hearing the other person’s point of view.
I’m, uh, not the greatest at this, I’ll admit. It’s okay to not be great at something though, and still keep trying because it’s important.
A conversation might initially go like something like this, using me as an example:
Dr. FIREfly: “Hey, I found this cool new idea! It’s about a different way of looking at personal finance. Can I run it by you and see what you think?”
Mr. Sparks: “Sure…”
Dr. FIREfly: “So there’s this idea called FIRE, and it stands for financial independence, retire early […]”
Some minutes later….
Dr. FIREfly: “That’s the main gist of it. What do you think?”
Mr. Sparks: “Honestly…it sounds kind of nuts.”
Okay, here is the fork in the road.
There is now a menu of options.
- FIREfly feels hurt, shuts down, and withdraws.
- FIREfly feels hurt and this leads to a shouting match.
- FIREfly feels hurt and, in a reversal move, decides that Mr. Sparks is dumb and can’t understand the genius of this idea. Too much of this, and the relationship can become mired in contempt, a death knell for relationships.
- FIREfly feels hurt, takes a deep breath, realizes it’s not about her. Mr. Sparks is not calling her nuts, he is calling the idea nuts. AND, it’s a dramatically different, new concept. Maybe further investigation is warranted.
- FIREfly blissfully evades the hurt stage, jumps to realizing it’s not about her, and knows that further exploration is warranted. (I don’t know if I’ll ever reach this stage, but it’s a goal.)
(I think option #4 is what happened? It was a couple years ago – the details are fuzzy now.)
Let’s say you go with option D or E.
Next step would be to explore your partner’s views further. In this case with Mr. Sparks, a good conversation might continue something like this:
Dr. FIREfly: “Nuts, eh? In what ways?”
Mr. Sparks: “Because ABC, because XYZ, and – who does that, anyways?”
Now, this is your opportunity to address ABC and XYZ in a calm, explorative way. This part is going to be unique to you and your partner. If you have specific questions on ways you could approach this, feel free to message me or comment below!
My suggestion, though, would be to be curious about ABC and XYZ. Ask your partner to elaborate some more. Flesh out what their concerns are. Are there some deep-rooted, money-related fears or money scripts that are at play? Sometimes, as we articulate our viewpoints out loud, it can help us solidify our nebulous thoughts and/or help us see gaps in our viewpoints. Do you have gaps in your viewpoint too, as you talk about FIRE with your partner? Are there your own money scripts at play?
And, as for the “who does that” part, well…the movement is growing! Big enough in Canada to warrant a Moneysense article and a Globe and Mail mention, and as for other parts of the world – it’s big enough to be featured in the Huffington Post, garner a multitude of haters, have a Wikipedia page, and be featured on BBC! I’m pretty sure I’m missing some other international exposure for FIRE just due to my own language barriers. All this to say – FI(RE) people are far from alone these days. And in the fist-pumping words of Jonathan of the ChooseFI duo, “The FIRE is spreading, my friends.”
Next post, I will walk through some concrete examples of how Mr. Sparks and I slowly came to be on the same page. And spoiler alert: it wasn’t all him shifting towards my viewpoint!
-Dr. FIREfly
Hey FF,
My husband laughed the first time I told him about FI. He never saw the need for it nor the reason why anyone would want to work less in Medicine.
That was when I was 25.
Now a quarter century later, he clearly sees the benefits.
I have NEVER tried to convince him. I simply did my own thing. When he wanted to spend and he earned it, I just routed the funds so that he got whatever he wanted.
But after decades, he noticed that I almost never had expensive outlays. He also saw that I was usually pretty happy.
He has come to see the benefit of my lifestyle. I do not think it would work if I had to convince him.
Besides I am too lazy to do that. 😊
Hi Dr. MB,
Yeah, you get the feeling of sharing FI! And I like your relaxed way of approaching things. So long as one person does not overspend from the joint financial picture (which it sounds like is not an issue for you), leading by example is definitely one good way to go.